Those Maypole dancers and spring fairies and boys’ band players of 1927 were all grown up by 1951 — here is what made them laugh as young parents who had come through World War II and were then facing Korea:
I’m all for higher taxes,
I think they would be fine.
Provided that they start in
The bracket over mine.
Dad: “That boy will be the death of me!”
Mom: “What’s wrong now?”
Dad: “He wants to know what would happen if he mixed a bottle of ink eradicator with a bottle of ink!”
Oliver Wendell Holmes once mistook an insane asylum for a college. Realizing his mistake, he explained to the gatekeeper, and commented humorously, “I suppose, after all, there is not a great deal of difference.”
‘Oh, yes, there is,” replied the guard; “in this place you must show some improvement before you can get out.”
“Only God Can Make a Tree”
Puttering in my home workshop, I produced what I felt was a creditable artificial table Christmas tree. I displayed it when my brother-in-law and his family were over, and remarked: “That’s what I call a tree – even if I did make it myself.”
My small niece examined the phony tree critically, and wonder filled her eyes as she looked up at me.
“Won’t Heavenly Father be surprised when He finds out about it?”
The minister returned the used car to the dealer and was promptly asked, “What’s the matter, parson, can’t you run it?”
The sharp reply: “Not if I want to stay in the ministry!”
Marriage or Money?
Uncle: “You boys today want too much money. Do you know what I was getting when I married your aunt?”
Nephew: “Nope, and I bet you didn’t either.”
A Wise Mother
Daughter: “Yes, I’ve graduated, but now I must inform myself in psychology, philosophy, bibli–”
Practical Mother: “Stop; I have arranged for you a thorough course in roastology, boilology, stitchology, darnology, patchology, and general domestic hustelology.”
“Are you doing anything for that cold of yours?”
“I sneeze when it wants me to.”
Teacher, in geography class: “Where is the capital of the United States?”
Junior: “All over the world!”
Political speaker: “I’m pleased to see this dense crowd here tonight.”
Voice from the back: “Don’t be too pleased; we ain’t all dense.”
He Asked for It
A man of Scotch descent was attracting much attention in the hotel lobby with his tales of his great accomplishments.
“Well, now,” said an Englishman at last, “suppose you tell us something you cannot do, and I will undertake to do it.”
“Thank ye,” replied the Scot; “I canna pay ma bill here.”
The treasurer, dictating a letter: “From the comparative size of the coal shipment and the bill, I should say you got them mixed – you should have sent the coal by mail and the bill by freight.”
“Your age, madam?” asked the Judge.
“Thirty years,” replied the lady witness.
“You may have difficulty proving that,” said the Judge.
Replied the witness: “You will find it difficult to prove the contrary. The church that had the record of my birth burned down in 1900.”
Her Privilege, But!
A woman, explaining a traffic crash to a policeman, concluded:
“– and then I very clearly signalled that I had changed my mind.”
“Should I take Junior to the zoo tomorrow?”
“If the zoo wants him, let ’em come and get him.”
One for the Doctor
A doctor wrote out a prescription in the usual illegible hand. The patient must have recovered quickly because he did not get it filled. In due time he forgot what the little piece of paper in his card case was.
The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass. Twice it got him into Radio Music Hall and once into Ebbetts field for a ball game. It came in handy as a letter from his employer to the cashier to increase his salary. To cap the climax, his daughter played it on the piano and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.
Necessity: something you cannot get along without, but do.
Luxury: Something you ought to get along without, but don’t.
“It’s the little things that keep people awake at night,” says a doctor. “Especially those aged one day to eighteen years.”
It was a little girl’s first day at school and the teacher was making out her registration card.
“What is your father’s name?” asked the teacher.
“Daddy,” replied the child.
“Yes, I know, but what does your mother call him?”
“She doesn’t call him anything. She likes him.”
Two snowy-haired old ladies, bouncing along in an antiquated automobile through York, Pennsylvania, made an illegal turn. The traffic cop had to blow his whistle vigorously and repeatedly before they came to a stop. “Didn’t you hear my whistle, lady?” he asked. Wide eyed and innocent the little lady looked at him. “yes, indeed,” she said, “but I never flirt while driving.” With a grin, the amazed cop waved them on.
Jones: “Look at that bunch of cows!”
Smith: “Not bunch – herd!”
Jones: “Herd what?”
Smith: “Herd of cows!”
Jones: “Sure, I’ve heard of cows.”
Smith: “I mean a cow herd!”
Jones: “What do I care if a cow heard? I didn’t say anything I shouldn’t have!”
Manager: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Manager: “What sort of illness?”
Applicant: “My boss said he was sick of me.”
A busy man was using the telephone. “I want Central double two, double two,” he said.
“Two-two, two-two?” repeated the exchange girl, reproachfully.
“All right,” said the man, patiently, “you get me the number and we’ll play train later on.”
Once upon a time there was a wise creditor. After many attempts to collect, he wrote this note – and got his money promptly:
“If you don’t pay up immediately, I’ll tell all your other creditors that you did pay me.”
Freshie: “I can’t find ‘airplane’ in the dictionary.”
Sopho: “Look on the flyleaf.”
“What is the Mason and Dixon Line?”
“It’s the division between ‘You-all’ and ‘Youse-guys.’”
Sal: “You mean your teacher said your singing was ‘heavenly’?”
Pal: “Well, practically that. He said it was ‘unearthly.’”
The one who thinks our jokes are poor, would straightway change his views,
Could he compare the jokes we print with the ones we didn’t use.