And what were readers of the Church magazines laughing about in 1920? Read all about it —
It All Depends
Willie: “Pa, how long does a fish grow in a year?”
Pa: “It all depends, Willie, who is telling the fish story.”
“I say, popsy, what’s the difference between an umbrella and a banana?”
“Can’t say exactly, my son.”
“Well, bananas are raised in a tropical climate and umbrellas in a wet climate.”
Wise to Their Tricks
While inspecting an asylum, the trustees came upon a party of workmen who were repairing a wall. One of the harmless patients, apparently assisting in the work, was pushing a wheelbarrow along upside down.
“My friend,” said the kind-hearted trustee, gently, “you should turn your wheelbarrow over.”
“Not on your life!” replied the patient. “I turned it over yesterday, and they put bricks in it!”
No Other Business
Lawyer: “Do you drink?”
Witness (quite huffy): “That’s my business.”
Lawyer: “Have you any other business?”
A wise old guy is the Hindoo,
He does the best that he kin do.
He wears all the while,
A wreath and a smile,
And for trousers he makes his skin do.
“What a cheerful woman Mrs. Smiley is!”
“Isn’t she? Why, do you know that woman can have a good time thinking what a good time she would have if she were having it.”
Now Look at It
“I won’t wash my face!” said Dolly defiantly.
“Naughty, naughty,” reproved grandmother. “When I was a little girl I always washed my face.”
“Yes, and now look at it,” exclaimed Dolly.
Niece: “Uncle, they say that there are more marriages of blondes than of brunettes. Why is it, I wonder?”
Uncle (a confirmed bachelor): “Naturally the light-headed ones go first.”
The Right Book
Private O’Grady (at the bookseller’s): “Oi’m after wantin’ a book to put th’ photos av me relatives in. Shure this wan ’ull do.”
Bookseller: “But that isn’t an album, sir; that is a scrap book.”
O’Grady: “That’s th’ very wan, mister! Ivry wan av th’ family were scrappers!”
Bushby was sorely in need of an extra farm hand and advertised.
“What’ll ye pay?” questioned an early applicant.
“I’ll pay you what you are worth,” promptly replied Bushby.
The applicant meditated for a minute, then turning on his heel, decisively announced: “I’ll be durned if I’ll work for that!”
A Dentist’s Epitaph
View this grave with gravity,
He’s filling his last cavity.
Good Night, Nurse!
Kid Sullivan (up to his old tricks) – Good morning, little one. Haven’t I met you somewhere before?
Smooth – It’s quite likely. I used to be a nurse in the insane asylum.
Annie – “So Jack is engaged, is he? And is Mabel the bride-to-be?”
Fanny – “No, she is the tried-to-be!”
Miss Smart – “I don’t know what’s the matter with that little man over there. He was so attentive a few moments ago, and now he won’t even look at me!”
Mrs. Blank – “Perhaps he saw me come in. He’s my husband.”
Hard to Satisfy
“Every man should have the right to enjoy life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”
“Some men ain’t satisfied with the pursuit of happiness.”
“They want it brung.”
“I sent you a kiss over the telephone,” he said when he met her. “I hope you understood it.”
“Oh, yes,” she answered. “I understood all right enough. But to me a kiss over the telephone is like a straw hat.”
“A straw hat?” he echoed. “How?”
“Why,.” she coyly answered, “it isn’t felt.”
Broke or What?
One: “I thought you were engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.”
Other: “I was, but I broke it off.”
Oh, Cut It Out
Sam – “How can you make a pumpkin shout?”
Tom – “Cut the inside out and make it holler.”
Sure – On What?
At a teachers’ conference one of the school principals rose to propose the toast: “Long live the teachers.”
And a meager, pallid assistant instructor in a hollow voice asked: “On what?”
The Harsh Note
The band was rehearsing for a concert when the conductor was nearly frightened out of his boots by a terrific blast from the trombone player in the corner.
“What are you doing?” roared the conductor.
“I’m sorry, sir,” came the reply. “It was a fly on my music. But,” he added, with just a touch of pride, “I played him!”
“What did Uncle Harry say when you gave him the brandied cherries we sent to cheer his convalescence?”
“He said he was afraid he was not strong enough to eat the fruit, but he appreciated the spirit in which it was sent.”
Passing the Buck
Overworked Husband – “You’ve been keeping me waiting around here like an old fool for an hour.”
Wife – “Well, my dear, I may have kept you waiting, but I had nothing to do with how you waited.”