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Funny Bones, 1935

By: Ardis E. Parshall - January 17, 2009

If it’s “Funny Bones” time on Keepa, this must be Saturday …

“Extra! Extra!”

“May I print a kiss on your lips?” I said,
And she nodded her sweet permission.
So we went to press and, I rather guess,
We printed a full edition.

“One edition is hardly enough,”
Said she, with a charming pout.
So again on the press the form was placed,
And we got some extras out.

Shoplifter’s Lawyer: “Medical witnesses would testify in this court that my unfortunate client is suffering from kleptomania. Your Honor, you know what that is.”

Judge: “Yes, it’s a disease the people pay me to cure.”

Shed No Tears

“Who’s that brunette over there?”

“That’s Tom’s girl.”

“Why, I thought he went with a blonde!”

“He did. But she dyed.”

Complete Accord

Check: “Do you know, I’ve just happened to remember, that never once during our married life have my wife and I disagreed!”

White: “Well, well. That’s great! I don’t dare contradict mine either.”

Goal!

Soph: “Hey, Frosh, shut the door. Where were you raised – in a barn?”

Frosh (in tears): “Boo-hoo, boo-hoo.”

Soph (taken aback): “Come now, old fellow. Don’t be like that. I know you weren’t brought up in a barn.”

Frosh: “That’s just the trouble. I was brought up in a barn, and it makes me homesick every time I hear an ass bray.”

Ask Dad

Young Husband (in early morning): “It must be time to get up.”

Wife: “Why?”

“Baby’s fallen asleep.”

A Man of Peace

An old Quaker going down a street one night was assaulted by a thug who struck him on the cheek. The Quaker quietly turned to the thug and said:

“Would you mind slapping the other cheek also?”

The thug promptly did so, saying, “Well, you are an easy mark.”

“Now God be praised!” said the Quaker, proceeding to throw off his coat and roll up his sleeves. ‘I have obeyed His teaching – and now I am going to lick h–ll out of thee!”

The Icy Stare

Jones took his aunt out riding
Though wintry was the breeze;
He put her in the rumble seat
To watch his anti-freeze.

“It Is to Laugh”

An anonymous writer at Long Beach, California (according to the postmark) objects to the printing of jokes on married people, claiming they bring marriage into ridicule. Nothing is farther from the mind of the editor of “The Funny Bone.” But one must not take this page seriously. It is only to laugh at.

In the Menagerie

When the Donkey saw the Zebra,
He began to switch his tail,
“Well, I never!” was his comment,
“There’s a mule that’s been in jail.”

Original

“It was Satan,” said a mother to one of her children, “who put it into your head to pull Elsie’s hair.”

“Perhaps it was, but kicking her shins was my own idea.”

He Was a Shy Young Man

For two years he had been paying attentions to her and had not even squeezed her hand. One evening he asked timidly, “Florence, would you – might I – er – would you mind if I placed one reverent kiss upon your fair hand when I leave tonight?”

She looked up at him. “Well, George, I should think it decidedly out of place.”

Around the Dormitory

Collegiate: “I want something to wear around the dormitory.”

Sales Girl: “How large is your dormitory?”

Makes No Difference

“What is a budget?”

“As nearly as I can tell it’s a system of worrying before you spend instead of afterwards.”

Halt

Bright Soldier (on sentry duty): “Halt! Who goes there?”

Recruit: “A soldier with doughnuts.”

Bright Soldier: “Pass, soldier. Halt, doughnuts.”

Equal

A very thin man met a very fat one in the hotel corridor. “From the look of you,” said the latter, “there might be a famine.”

“Yes,” was the reply, “and from the look of you, you might have caused it.”

He Should Have Stayed Down

First Crook: “How did Bill die?”

Second Crook: “’E fell through some scaffolding.”

First Crook: “Whatever was ’e doing up there?”

Second Crook: “Being ’anged.”

Look Away

“What model is your car?”

“It’s not a model, it’s a horrible example.”

F.I.C.

“Is this the Fidelity Insurance Company?”

“Yes, ma’am, it is. What can we do for you?”

“I want to arrange to have my husband’s fidelity insured!”

Name, Please!

Out on the terrace they met between dances, and he said: “Pretty dull party, this!”

“Yes, indeed!”

“Oh, let’s go get our wraps and leave,” he suggested.

“Well, I can’t get away,” she replied. “You see, I’m the hostess.”

When Ignorance Was Bliss

Methuselah ate what he found on his plate
And never, as people do now,
Did he note the amount of the calorie count –
He ate because it was chow.
He wasn’t disturbed as at dinner he sat
Destroying a roast or a pie,
To think it was lacking in granular fat
Or a couple of vitamins shy.
He greedily chewed all varieties of food
Untroubled by worries or fears
Lest his health might be hurt by some fancy dessert –
And he lived over nine hundred years.

Hinglish ‘Umor

“What a big family you have, Mrs. Jones,” said the visitor.

“Yes’m. And the funny thing is that all the names begin with a haitch. There’s ’Orace, ’Erbert, ’Enry, ’Ugh, ’Ubert, ’Arold, ’Arriet and ’Etty – all except the last one, and we ’ad ’er named Halice.”

Unnecessary

Little Albert: “Do you folks ever have family prayers before breakfast?”

Little John: “No. We aren’t afraid in the daytime.”

A Rocking Game

Judge: What’s the charge?

Officer: Rocking his wife to sleep, your honor.

Judge: That’s no case.

Office: But you should have seen the size of the rock, your honor.

On the Right Road

In Scotland an American motorist stopped a small boy and asked:

“Can you tell me where this road goes?”

“I will for tuppence,” answered the lad.

“Drive on, Joe,” said his friend, “we’re near Aberdeen.”



6 Comments »

  1. . . . it makes me homesick every time I hear an ass bray.”

    Well, there’s something we won’t be seeing in the Ensign anytime soon . . .

    Comment by JimD — January 19, 2009 @ 11:01 am

  2. … in contrast to the many Ensign stories about rocking wives to sleep, hanging crooks, fighting/swearing Quakers, kicking siblings, and freezing aunties? :)

    Comment by Ardis E. Parshall — January 19, 2009 @ 12:14 pm

  3. Best one in a while.

    Comment by Matt W. — January 19, 2009 @ 12:51 pm

  4. Ardis,

    These are much funnier than Reader’s Digest jokes! I don’t know if it is the fact that I am surprised better by them, but these really made my day.

    Comment by Kent (MC) — January 19, 2009 @ 2:13 pm

  5. About what caused “It’s Only to Laugh” to be written:

    Unlike the subject material and words in these jokes that would never appear in our current versions, some things never change.

    These are awesome, Ardis – from the first to the last.

    Comment by Ray — January 19, 2009 @ 2:44 pm

  6. “It was Satan,” said a mother to one of her children, “who put it into your head to pull Elsie’s hair.”

    “Perhaps it was, but kicking her shins was my own idea.”

    I wish my kids were so . . . er . . . original!

    Comment by Hunter — January 19, 2009 @ 9:39 pm

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