Our great-grandparents laughed in the face of danger and whistled past the graveyard in these Juvenile Instructor jokes from the last year of the Great War. Will we pull humor from the hard times of our own era?
Two young Irishmen in a Canadian regiment were going into the trenches for the first time, and their captain promised them a dollar for every German they killed.
Pat lay down to rest, while Mike performed the duty of watching. Pat had not lain long when he was awakened by Mike’s shouting:
“They’re coming! They’re coming!”
“Who’s coming?” shouted Pat.
“The Germans,” replied Mike.
“How many are there?”
“About fifty thousand.”
“Begorra,” shouted Pat, jumping up and grabbing his rifle, “our fortune’s made.”
Snappy: “I see here in the paper that the Germans are shooting a ton of lead in a single shot.”
Happy: “That’s nothing. Our boys are shooting Teutons.”
A Tight Squeeze
A young cadet was complaining of the tight fit of his uniform.
“Why, father, this collar presses my Adam’s apple so hard that I can taste cider.”
“I see the American troops in France are going to use ready-made trenches.”
“Who made ’em?”
A certain naval officer was very pompous and conceited when on duty. One day when he was officer of the watch and he could not, as usual, find anything of consequence to grumble about, he attempted to vent his spite on one of the stokers of the vessel, who was in the engine room on duty.
Going to the speaking tube the officer yelled, “Is there a blithering idiot at the end of this tube?”
The reply came quick and startling, “Not at this end, sir!”
“I notice that a woman prominent in war activities got hurt in a motor car accident.”
“Was she badly injured?”
“Evidently not. The car turned turtle. When it was raised she was found underneath it, still knitting away for dear life, but much flustered because she had dropped a stitch.”
Teuton Word of Cheer
When his subjects ask him for food all the Kaiser can answer is: “Cheer up! The wurst is yet to come.”
What is the difference between an elephant and a microbe?
One carries a trunk, and the other the grip.
Not to Be “Licked”
A frivolous young English girl, with no love for the Stars and Stripes, once exclaimed at a celebration where the American flag was very much in evidence:
“Oh, what a silly-looking thing the American flag is! It suggests nothing but checkerberry candy.”
“Yes,” replied a bystander, “the kind of candy that has made everybody sick who ever tried to lick it.”
More Than One Use
“Well, after all,” remarked Tommy, who had lost a leg in the war, ‘there’s one advantage in having a wooden leg.”
“What’s that?” asked his friend.
“You can hold up your bloomin’ sock with a tin-tack!” chuckled the hero.
Fond Father: “And is my dear good little girl going to save her nickels to buy Thrift Stamps instead of spending them for gum and candy?”
Good little girl: “Yes! Papa dear. And is my big good papa going to buy Liberty Bonds instead of tobacco and cigars?”
Fond father: “Ye-ye-ye-e-e-r-r—yes–darling!”
Charge of the Light Brigade
The attorney for the company was making a popular address.
“Think of the good the gas company has done!” he cried. “If I were permitted a pun, I would say, in the words of the immortal poet, ‘Honor the Light Brigade.’”
Voice of a consumer from the audience: “Oh, what a charge they made!”
The High Cost
He – I feel like 30 cents.
She – How things have gone up since the war.
“Why is George Washington described as ‘First in war and first in peace’?”
“I dunno,” replied the Senator. “I suspect somebody was trying to square him with both the preparedness people and the pacifists.”
Doing His Bit
“Books are wanted for the soldiers, Tommy.”
“I got a nice ’rithmetic they kin have.”
“And,” went on the American yarn-spinner in the trenches somewhere in France, “lilac bushes over in my country grow fifty feet high.”
“Ah,” said a Britisher, enviously, “if I could only lilac that.”
A little Irishman was being examined for admission to the army. He seemed all right in every way except one. The doctor said: “You’re a little stiff.” Quickly the Irish blood mounted as the applicant retorted, “And you’re a big stiff!”
“Mrs. Bings’ new baby is just in the fashion.”
“How do you mean?”
“It is such a red cross affair.”
Red Cross Activity
Patient (with a broken arm): “It’s awful not to be able to do any war work while I’m laid up.”
Doctor: “That’s all right; my dear Mrs. Willney – your bones are knitting.”
She: “Why don’t these troops display more ginger?”
He: “Why, you see, they were so lately mustered.”
Officer (as company is temporarily about to vacate trench which had been reported mined): “You two will remain here, and if there is an explosion, you will blow a whistle. You understand?”
Private Spuds: “Yes, sorr! Will we blow it going up or coming down, sorr?”