Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1876
 


Funny Bones, 1876

By: Ardis E. Parshall - January 03, 2009

These jokes are from the Woman’s Exponent – who knew editors Lula Greene Richards and Emmeline B. Wells had it in ’em?

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In the case of a man who died from having all his teeth knocked out with a hatchet, an Alabama jury rendered a verdict of death from ax-dental causes.

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An impossible quantity. – Too much money.

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“Sam, did you ever see the Catskill mountains?”

“No, but I’ve seen ‘em kill mice.”

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A henpecked husband said in extenuation of his wife’s raids upon his scalp, “You see, she takes her own hair off so easily, she doesn’t know how it hurts to have mine pulled out.”

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A good story is told of a clergyman in a Massachusetts town who forgot his notes on a Sabbath morning, and as it was too late to send for them, he said to his audience, by way of apology, that this morning he should have to depend upon the Lord for what he might say, but that in the afternoon he would come better prepared!

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Why is the letter “o” the most charitable letter? Because it is found oftener than any other in “doing good.”

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“You didn’t laugh at my stupidity before we were married; you always said I was a duck of a lover,” grumbled a complaining husband.

“Yes, that’s so,” replied the wife, “and a duck of a lover is almost sure to make a goose of a husband.”

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Not long ago in a court in Toronto, a witness was under examination in a case of debt. The Judge asked him, “what is your occupation?” The witness did not seem to understand the meaning of the word “occupation” and answered with “eh?” the Judge varied his question: “What do you do for a living?” Witness replied, “Oh, my wife’s a dressmaker.”

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Why is a bald head like Paradise? Because it is a bright shining place, where there is neither parting nor dying.

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“I thought you were born on the 1st of April,” said a husband to his lovely wife, who had mentioned the 21st as her birthday.

“Most people would think so from the choice I made of a husband,” she replied.

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Deep thinkers: Visitors in a mine wondering if they will get out alive.

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Why should every man wear a watch when he travels in a desert? Because every watch has a spring in it.

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Who is the straightest man mentioned in the Bible? Joseph; because Pharaoh made a ruler of him.

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A doctor’s wife, who attempted to move her husband by tears, was answered thus: “Ann, tears are useless; I have analyzed them; they contain a little phosphate of lime, some chlorate of sodium, and that’s all.”

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Boggs recently invested in a box of cigars. he calls them tickets to a course of lectures to be given by his wife.

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An old author quaintly remarks, “Avoid argument with the ladies. In spinning yarns among silks and satins a man is sure to be worsted and twisted, and when worsted and twisted he may consider himself wound up.”

 



3 Comments »

  1. My FIL would love these. I got a good groan out of them.

    Comment by Ray — January 3, 2009 @ 7:23 pm

  2. The tears joke is very funny. It reminds me of the Ogden Nash poem where the scientist is informed that his wife has just been eaten by an alligator.

    Professor Twist could not but smile;
    You mean, he said, a crocodile.

    Comment by Researcher — January 4, 2009 @ 8:46 am

  3. Most of the jokes could have been printed 50 years later, after updating the slang, perhaps. I’m amazed — and I’m not sure why — that there were so many “battle of the sexes” jokes in print at that date, and I wonder which of the editors was chiefly responsible for tucking them into the odd corners of the issues.

    Comment by Ardis E. Parshall — January 4, 2009 @ 9:01 am

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