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Funny Bones, 1939

By: Ardis E. Parshall - December 27, 2008

From the church magazines of 1939:

Good English

Teacher: “How would you punctuate this sentence? ‘The wind blew a ten-dollar bill around the corner’.”

Johnnie: “I would make a dash after the bill.”

Language Lesson

Barry: “Where’s your father?”

Larry: “He’s ’round in front.”

Barry: “I know he’s round in front, but where is he?”

Satisfied

Farmer: “Be this the Woman’s Exchange?”

Woman: “Yes.”

Farmer: “Be ye the woman?”

Woman: “Yes.”

Farmer: “Well, then I think I’ll keep Maggie.”

Told at the Rotary Club*

The doctor was visiting to deliver the woman’s twelfth child. While riding along with the husband, he saw a duck in the road.

Doctor: “Whose duck is that?”

Husband: “That ain’t no duck. That’s a stork with his legs worn off from making so many trips.”

Not Quite Clear

Local Woman: “My husband is the only man who ever kissed me.”

Neighbor: “Are you bragging or complaining?”

A Back Swat

Tightwad: “I didn’t see you in church Sunday.”

Keen: “No, I presume not; I took up the collection.”

In a Bad Way

A doctor received a note which read as follows:

“Please call and see my husband. It’s his head. He’s had it off and on all yesterday, and today he’s sitting with it in his hands between his knees.”

Interrupted

Judge: “Can’t this case be settled out of court?”

Kelly: “Sure, that’s what we were trying to do, your honor, when the policeman interfered.”

Discovered at Last

“Any abnormal children in your classes?” asked the inspector.

“Yes,” replied the school marm sadly, “two of them have good manners.”

Noise Wins

“What does the professor of Greek get?”

“Oh, about $3,000 a year.”

“And the football coach?”

“About $12,000 a year.”

“Quite a discrepancy.”

“Well, did you ever hear 40,000 people cheering a Greek recitation?”

What’d She Mean?

A Scotch wife nagged and nagged her husband until the poor fellow died. Then she was sorry, very sorry, so she erected a fine stone over his grave on which she had carved the following inscription:

“Rest in peace until I join you.”

Hobo Grammar

Lady, to hobo at door: “Did you notice that pile of wood in the yard?”

“Yes’m, I seen it.”

“You should mind your grammar. You mean you saw it.”

“No’m. You saw me see it, but you ain’t seen me saw it.”

Flabbergasted

Small Girl: “Mother, if I grow up will I have a husband like papa?”

Mother: “Yes, dear.”

Small Girl: “And if I do not get married, will I be an old maid like Aunt Susan?”

Mother: “Yes, dear.”

Small Girl: “Well, I am in a fix.”

A Belated Wedding

Wife (with newspaper): “Just think of it! A couple got married a few days ago after a courtship which lasted fifty years.”

Husband: “I suppose the poor old man was too feeble to hold out any longer.”

It Was a Red Light*

“Miranda, what’s that light shining in your eyes?”

“That’s my stop light, Erastus.”

Keeping a Secret

The young man said he knew his girl could keep a secret, because they had been engaged for weeks before even he knew about it.

Retort Punctual

The superintendent of an insane asylum noticed an inmate pushing a wheelbarrow upside down. “Why do you have it upside down?” asked the superintendent.

“You don’t think I’m crazy, do you?” was the reply. ‘I pushed it right side up yesterday and they kept filling it with gravel.”

Peace at Any Price

Mrs. Busby: “Wake up, John! There’s a burglar going through your pants pockets.”

John, turning over: “Oh, you two just fight it out between yourselves.”

Precaution

A Scot who was somewhat shocked in discovering that his fellow workman carried his wife’s false teeth in his pocket inquired the reason, and Sandy calmly replied: “I hae a suspicion that she eats between meals.”

His Own Worst Enemy

Would-be Wrestler: “So I gets him by the wrist – then I twists his leg up like this – then I turns it down like this – and before I knows it, I’m flat on my back.”

The Wishing Well

Frankie: “I wish I had a million dollars. I’d go to the movies every day then.”

Johnnie: “You’d take me with you, wouldn’t you, Frankie?”

Frankie: “Naw. if you’re too lazy to wish for yourself, you can stay home.”

***

* The joke was funny enough that I wanted to include it, but to be true to the document I have to state that the original was racially offensive and has been rewritten.



2 Comments »

  1. Love the note to the doctor! Thank heavens my headaches never get that bad!

    Comment by Jami — December 27, 2008 @ 1:20 pm

  2. I enjoy these jokes, but my wife doesn’t respect them too much. Now when she thinks I’ve been on the internet too long she asks me if the time I spend on “Keep on Itchin’” is really the best use of my time. I tell her I just have to scratch!

    Comment by Eric Boysen — December 27, 2008 @ 4:49 pm

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