Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1930
 


Funny Bones, 1930

By: Ardis E. Parshall - December 13, 2008

As regular as the Saturday morning cartoons come the Saturday morning jokes from Keepapitchinin, this time courtesy of the 1930 church magazines:

How Terrible!

“The baby swallowed a bottle of ink!”

“Incredible!”

“No, indelible!”

Couldn’t Be Done

Wifie – There’s one thing about my mother – she’s outspoken.

Hubby – Not by anyone I know.

A Rainy Day in Moscow

A Russian was being led off to execution by a squad of Bolshevik soldiers on a rainy morning. “You are brutes to march me through a rain like this,” he said.

“How about us?” replied one soldier. “We have to march back.”

A Special Number

Stage Manager – Why did you sit out there silent for five minutes?

Saxophonist – That was a request number.

Well, Naturally

“Make a sentence using the words ‘defeat,’ ‘defense’ and ‘detail.’

“Defeat of the cat went over defense before detail.”

Knew Her Bible

The Sunday School teacher was having her class recite the names of the books of the Old Testament and they had got as far as Amos. “What comes after Amos?” asked the teacher.

“Oh, I know,” exclaimed one excited little girl. “Andy.”

Slightly Mixed

Tommy, very sleepy, was saying his prayers. “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep – keep …”

“If,” prompted his mother.

“If he hollers, let him go, eeny, meeny, miney mo!”

An Unbiased Opinion

The celebrated soprano was in the middle of her number when little Jimmy noticed the orchestra leader. “What does that man keep hitting at her for?” he asked his mother.

“He’s not hitting at her,” replied mother. “Be quiet.”

“Well, then, why does she keep hollering?”

Two Great Rides

Mose Melonwater went for a ride in an air plane. When he came down he said to the pilot: “Thank you, boss, for them two rides.”

“Two rides?” said the aviator. “You’ve only had one!”

“No, sir,” exclaimed Mose. “I had two – my first and my last.”

Why Certainly

Teacher – “Can anyone tell me how macaroni is made?”

Johnny – “First you take a big long hole and then you wrap some dough around it.”

Can’t Be Done

Him – You know, dear, I’ve been thinking over our argument and I’ve decided to agree with you.

Her – Well, it won’t do you any good. I’ve changed my mind.

Too Much “Juice”

A local automobile retailer was charged with assault and battery, and brought before the judge.

Judge: What is your name, occupation, and what are you charged with?

Prisoner: My name is Sparks. I am an electrician, and I am charged with battery.

Judge: Officer, put this guy in a dry cell.

He Got a Seat

Smart Alec, getting on bus: Morning, Noah, is your old ark full?

Driver: Nope. Only one jackass so far. Come on in.

In Days of Old

Squire: “Did you send for me, my lord?”

Launcelot: “Yes, make haste, bring the can opener. I’ve got a flea in my knight clothes.”

All Serene

“Well, Mary, and what progress are you making toward matrimony?”

“I think I’m on my last lap.”

Attention Girls

The advertisement offered for fifty cents a recipe by which to whiten the hands and soften them. Girls who sent the money received the following directions:

“Soak the hands three times a day in dish water while mother rests.”

Wise-Cracks

Many an argument is sound – merely sound.

The wife of an aviator is the only woman who is always glad to see her husband down and out.

Two burglars who broke into a New York drugstore were captured by the trail of perfume they left behind. The police blotter probably reads, “Arrested for fragrancy.”

“Ain’t Nature Wonderful?”

It was her first real view of a cotton plantation with the plants all in full bloom, the endless fields of white causing her no end of wonderment. They stood spellbound at the spectacle until the young lady broke the silence by remarking:

“What a wonderful crop of powder-puffs! It’s the first time I’ve seen them actually growing!”

An Appetizer

Diner: “Why does that dog sit there and watch me all the time?”

Waiter: “You’ve got the plate he usually eats from, sir.”

On the Ocean

Mrs. Skiksshinny: “Shall I order your dinner brought to your room, dear?”

Skiksshinny (feebly): “No, just order it thrown overboard.”

Agreed

He – What time should I come?

She – Come after supper.

He – That’s what I was coming after.

Too Much Shock

The electrician arrived home late. his wife was waiting for him. “Watts the matter? Wire you insulate?” she demanded.

But the shock was too great. The electrician dropped dead.

A Noisy Recommendation

Slopsuey – is your new stenographer superior in any way to the one she replaced?

Mainchow – Well, she can make her gum pop louder.

Where He Snored

A man went to see his physician for advice as to how to be cured of the habit of snoring. “Does your snoring disturb your wife?” asked the M.D.

“Does it disturb my wife?” echoed the patient. “Why, Doc, it disturbs the whole congregation.”

Equine Afflictions

First Dutchman: “I don’t feel preddy well, Adolph. I haf a horse in my throat.”

Adolph: “Dat is not right. You mean you have a colt in your head.”

What Do They Say?

The QM sergeant rushed into the animal dealer’s shop in a great rage. “Hi, you,” he shouted to the storekeeper. “You told me this dog would be fine for rats and he never even touches them.”

“Well,” said the storekeeper quietly, “ain’t that fine for the rats?”

A Bad Penny Always Returns

“James, my lad,” said the grocer to his new assistant, “who bought that moldy cheese today?”

“Mrs. Brown, sir,” was the youth’s reply.

“And the stale loaf we could not sell last night?”

“Mrs. Brown, sir.”

“Where’s that lump of rancid butter that the baker refused?”

“Mrs. Brown bought it cheap, sir,” was the answer.

“And the six eggs we could not sell a week since?”

“Mrs. Brown. Are you ill, sir?” asked James, as the grocer turned green and groaned.

“No, no; only I’m going to tea at Brown’s tonight,” replied the unhappy man as he sank into a chair.

What?

Jinx: “Hear about the big fight last night?”

Binx: “No, what about it?”

Jinx: “Our kitten licked his paw.”

Economy

Joe – “Had a terrible time with my flivver.”

Moe – “Yeh?”

Joe – “Yes. I bought a carburetor that saved 30 per cent on gas, a timer that saved 50 per cent on gas and a sparkplug that saved 30 per cent on gas. After I went ten miles my gasoline tank overflowed.”



8 Comments »

  1. Ardis, I think you got the date wrong one at least one of these. The one about the guy whose snoring disturbs the congregation is from 2008. He lives in my ward.

    And the one about the husband who decides to agree with his wife after an argument, only to have her say that she has already changed her mind — well, I know some people that happens to, all the time.

    Comment by Mark Brown — December 13, 2008 @ 8:24 am

  2. Some great stuff here, Ardis.

    The joke about the airplane ride reminds me of the young lady who protested her date’s attempt to kiss her good night.

    “Not on a first date, please.”

    “How about on a last date, then?” he replied.

    And that girl on the last lap. Hmmm. A little racy, nicht wahr?

    Comment by Mark B. — December 13, 2008 @ 8:58 am

  3. I just want to know what messages for what GAs where in the same magazine as the “Jackass” gag.

    Comment by Matt W. — December 13, 2008 @ 12:35 pm

  4. The jackass joke is my favorite of all time, Ardis – and I think we are poorer for not being able to include it in our current magazines (as well as the lap – and the dog’s plate – and the fickle wife – and the botched prayer – and the verbose mother-in-law. There is nothing that should be offensive in that word being used in that context – and I wish the Church as an institution would laugh at itself more than it does now.

    I also would like to know the answer to Matt’s question. The possibilities are just too rich.

    Comment by Ray — December 13, 2008 @ 5:53 pm

  5. Okay, I’ll take it on assignment to look up the magazine again and tell you who shared covers with the jackass.

    Comment by Ardis E. Parshall — December 13, 2008 @ 6:17 pm

  6. If I were you, Ardis, I’d refuse that assignment on principle. I have it on relatively good authority that even the Bible contains the word “ass” and I suspect that more than one general authority has quoted from that without the walls tumbling down.

    One of the high points of 54 years of sacrament meetings (most of which have been relegated to the “lost memory” file) was the talk one young man here in New York gave one Sunday on the ten commandments. He must not have read them all the way through, because when he got to the list of things we’re commanded not to covet, he threw on the brakes in a hurry, then shrugged his shoulders, said “Oh, well, this is what it says in here” and went on beyond the neighbor’s servants and his ox to his ass.

    If we all have to snicker because that humble beast is called an ass, or a jackass, then I’m going to have to recite my favorite limerick about the young lady from Madras.

    Comment by Mark B. — December 13, 2008 @ 9:56 pm

  7. While looking around for this, I found:

    ” It reminds me of the blasphemous remark of a scoffing acquaintance of my brother who said, “I dreamed I saw God and he was a horse.” My brother’s comment was, “Certainly. That is perfectly logical to a jackass.”

    -W. Grant Bangerter, “The Voice of the Lord Is unto All People,” Ensign, Nov 1979

    That don’t do that much in Conference anymore…

    Comment by Matt W. — December 15, 2008 @ 11:10 pm

  8. er They don’t, I mean

    Comment by Matt W. — December 15, 2008 @ 11:10 pm

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