The Juvenile Instructor comes through once again with ticklers, this time from 1917:
The Way of Life
I used to think I knew I knew,
But now, I must confess,
The more I know I know I know,
I know I know the less.
Chief of Police: “If you were ordered to disperse a mob, what would you do?”
Applicant: “I’d pass around the hat.”
Sandy sat at the door of his cottage sobbing with emotion. “Ay, and it’s feelin’ sad I am,” said Sandy. “I tell ye it’s verra hard tae lose your mother-in-law.”
“Hard!” exclaimed his friend Torrence. “Gosh, my laddie, it’s almost impossible!”
The boss of a woodworking shop in West Philadelphia was examining an Irishman as to his fitness for a job as a cabinet maker.
After a somewhat lengthy examination, the foreman asked: “How would you make a Venetian blind?”
“I’d poke him in the eye wid me screwdriver,” answered the tired Celt.
Do You “Tumble?”
“What kind of leather makes the best shoes?”
“Don’t know, but banana skins make good slippers.”
Pat visited Mike in the wilds of Africa and to show his bravery started out alone in search of big game. Presently a shot was heard. Rushing to the window Mike spied his friend Pat hot-footing it for home, followed by a huge lion gaining with every step. Nearly spent, Pat reached the door just in time to cry: “Quick, Mike, open the door. I’m bringing him home alive.”
“Is this where they want a boy?”
“It is; but it must be a boy who never lies, swears, or uses slang.”
“Well, my brother’s a deaf-mute; I’ll send him ’round.”
To Be Accurate
Cholly: “Do you think it would be foolish for me to marry a girl who was my intellectual inferior?
Dolly: “More than foolish – impossible.”
Little Lydia had been given a new ring for Christmas, which none of the guests at the Christmas dinner had noticed. Finally, being unable to stand the obscurity any longer, she remarked:
“Oh, dear, I’m so warm in my new ring.”
“I had to be away from school yesterday,” said Tommy.
“You must bring an excuse,” said the teacher.
“From your father.”
“He ain’t no good at making excuses; Ma catches him every time.”
“Do you think that the automobile will displace the horse?” asked the conversational young woman.
“It will,” answered the nervous young man as he gazed down the road, “if it ever hits him.”
He Couldn’t Tell a Lie
Inquiring Lady: “How much milk does your cow give a day?”
Truthful Boy: “’Bout eight quarts, lady.”
Inquiring lady: “And how much of that do you sell?”
Truthful Boy: “’Bout twelve quarts, lady.”
Where Ignorance Is Bliss
Bootblack: “Shine, sir? Shine your shoes so’s you can see yer face in ’em.”
Ugly-looking Man: “No, thanks.”
“What new lesson did you learn at school to-day, Son?”
“Found a new way of getting out of school an hour, by snuffin’ red ink up my nose.”
“I told you not to make me take a bath, ma. Look how plain that hole in my stocking shows now.”
Professing Too Much
“My dear lady, I go further than believing in woman suffrage; I maintain that man and woman are equal in every way.”
“Oh, professor! Now you’re bragging!”
When a steamer stopped at the mouth of a river one day, owing to a very dense fog, an old lady became nervous and inquired of the captain the cause of the delay.
“Can’t see up the river,” replied the officer.
“But, captain, I can see the stars overhead.”
“Yes,” said he gruffly, “but until the boilers burst we ain’t a’going that way.”
“Now,” said the teacher, in a talk on architecture, “can any of you tell me what a buttress is?”
“I know; it’s a nanny-goat,” said Tommy Smart.
Little Willie came to his mother with the following query: “Mother, what would you do if some one broke the large vase in the parlor?”
“I would whip him,’ responded mother.
After a few seconds elapsed, Willie, with a broad grin, said: ‘Well, you’d better get ready. Papa broke it.”
The rain that keeps you from church is no wetter than that which soaked you at the baseball game.
A little girl went into a grocery store in Oklahoma and said to the groceryman:
“Is you got any aigs to sell?”
“I ain’t said I ain’t, is I?” replied the grocer.
“I ain’t asked you is you ain’t,” expostulated the child; “I asked you ain’t you is.”
A man who was very vain of his personal appearance went to the doctor one day and asked him to explain a singular circumstance. “Doctor,” he said, “my hair is perfectly black, but my whiskers are turning white rapidly. Now, how do you account for that?”
“Well,” replied the physician, “I don’t know, unless it is because your jaws have worked a great deal harder than your brains.”