The Improvement Era offers up these wartime ticklers:
Harry: “Mother, won’t you give me five cents for a poor man who is crying out in front?”
Mother: “Yes, my son, here it is, and you are a good boy to think of it. Poor man, what is he crying about?”
Harry: “He’s crying, ‘Fresh roasted peanuts, five cents.’”
Diner: “I want to see the manager. I never saw anything as tough as this steak.”
Waitress: “You will when you see the manager.”
Bride: “Boo-hoo! To think that cake would turn out this way when I put my very heart into it! Boo-hoo!”
Bridegroom: “Never mind, honey. Next time try baking one when you’re lighthearted.”
Break vs. Brake
Wife: “What a nerve this farmer has to charge us $10 for towing us only half a mile!”
Husband: “I’m making him earn it. I’ve got the brakes on.”
Reporter: “What is the professor’s research work?”
Professor’s housekeeper: “It consists principally of hunting for his spectacles.”
Little Willie: “Mom, you said the baby has your eyes and daddy’s nose, didn’t you?”
Mother: “Yes, dear.”
Little Willie: “Well, you’d better watch him; he has grandpa’s teeth now.”
Lost, One I.Q.
Father (facetiously): “Don’t you think our son gets his intelligence from me?”
Mother (likewise): “He must. I’ve still got mine.”
Freshman: “Were you ever bothered with athlete’s foot?”
Sophomore: “Yes, once when the captain of the football team caught me with his girl.”
Letter from son in college: “Dear Dad: Gue$$ what I need mo$t of all! That’$ right. $end it along. Be$t wi$he$. Your $on, Knowlton.”
Letter from Dad: “Dear KNOwlton: NOthing ever happens here. We kNO you like your school. Write us aNOther letter aNOn. NOra was asking about you. You kNOw NOra: Now I kNOw NO news. Dad.”
Guide: “This castle has stood for six hundred years. Not a stone has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced.”
Visitor: “Um, they must have the same landlord we have.”
How Many Learn It?
Young Mother: “Nurse, what is the most difficult thing for a young mother to learn?”
Nurse: “That other people have perfect children, too.”
That Proofreader Again!
The following correction appeared in a small-town paper:
“Our paper carried the notice last week that Mr. John Doe is ‘a defective in the police force.’ This was a typographical error. Mr. Doe is really a detective in the police farce.”
Just to Make Sure
Billie (to druggist): “Please, sir, I want some soap with extra strong perfume.”
Druggist: “What’s the idea, Sonny?”
Billie: “Well, I want mother to know I’ve washed my face, so she won’t make me do it all over again!”
That Cagey Fellow
“I want to know,” said the grim-faced woman, “how much money my husband drew out of the bank last week.”
“I cannot give you that information, madam,” answered the man in the cage.
“You’re the paying teller, aren’t you?”
“Yes, but I’m not the telling payer.”
“Those sausages you sent me were meat at one end and bread at the other.”
“Yes, ma’am. In these hard times it’s difficult to make both ends meat.”
“I don’t like the way you’re holding that gun.”
Well,” said the old hill-billy, “I don’t aim to please.”
“Ay, my father was a very far-seeing man. When I was a laddie he never spanked me.”
“Didn’t believe in corporal punishment?”
“Like enough he did, but he didna want to put the extra wear and tear on my pants.”
A hustling young farm machinery retail salesman was at the recruiting station to enlist.
“I suppose you’d like a commission?” said the officer in charge.
“No,” replied the salesman. “I’m such a poor shot, I’d rather work on straight salary.”
Johnny (buying ticket in railroad station): I want a ticket to New York.
Clerk: Would you care to go by Buffalo?
Johnny: I don’t know. I’ve never ridden one.
Judge: “Now, sir, please tell the court exactly what passed between you and your wife during the quarrel.”
Defendant: “A flat-iron, a rolling pin, six plates, and a teakettle.”
The wristwatch was invented by a Scotchman. A Scotchman always hates to take anything out of his pocket.
Florist: “This corsage would be better for a blonde, and that one for a brunette.”
Customer: “Well, I haven’t seen her for two days – I’ll take both of them.”
The hired man asked little Johnny to pass the salt. Looking at his mother, the boy hesitated. “Shall I give him the salt?” he whispered. “Daddy said he wasn’t worth it.”
Mrs. A.: “I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?”
Mrs. B.: “Yes, it is a lock of my husband’s hair.”
Mrs. A.: “But your husband is still alive.”
Mrs. B.: “Yes, but his hair is gone.”
Sunday School Teacher: “How many of you made someone happy last week? All right, Bobby, and what did you do?”
Bobby: “I went to see my grandmother and she was very happy when I went home.”
Miller’s ice-house caught fire, and though a determined effort was made to save the building from flames, it burned to the ground. With it 20,000 pounds of ice were reduced to ashes.
Antiques Dealer: “Yes, sir, this vase is more than 2,000 years old.”
Mr. Newrich: “That’s a laugh. You can’t pull that stuff on me. It’s only 1943 now.”
“In New York,” he said, “they have a company that does nothing but answer phone calls for other people.”
“I’ve been doing that for years myself,” replied the man with three pretty daughters.
Farmer: “Hey, what are you doing in that apple tree?”
Small boy: “Believe me or not, mister, but I’ve just fallen out of an airplane.”
Not the Best Method
Farmer: “I thought you said you were going to plow that ten-acre field?”
Hired Man: “Oh, no, I just said I was thinking about plowing it.”
Farmer (grimly): “I see. You were merely turning it over in your mind.”
Dog House Gossip
Beryl: “Your husband told Fred he led a dog’s life.”
Madge: “Yes, he comes home with muddy feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, waits until he is fed and often growls.”