What would Saturday be without the traditional Keepa resurrection of some jokes from old Mormon magazines? The Improvement Era of 1934 this time —
Origin of “Nom de Plume”
Visitor: “And what’s your name, my man?”
Visitor: “Is that your real name?”
Prisoner: “Naw, dat’s just my pen name.”
“Your boy friend talks too much. He rattles on like a flivver. I’m afraid he is a flat tire.”
“I know, pa, but his clutch is grand.”
“You’re looking bad, old man. What’s the trouble?”
“But you always said your wife was a pearl.”
“So she is. It’s the mother o’ pearl that’s the trouble.”
He Was Interested
“What’s the matter with Ted?”
“Too conceited. The other day he bought a book called ‘What Two Million Women Want,’ just to see if they spelt his name right.”
A Scot was having a heated argument with a street car conductor about the fare. The conductor insisted it was 7 cents, but the Scot was holding out for a nickel. Finally, as the car stopped, the conductor became exasperated and grabbed the Scot’s valise, hurling it off the car, with the suggestion that the Scot follow. “Hoot mon,” yelled the Scotchman, “first you overcharge me, then you try to kill my little boy!”
When Prayer Helps
A woman, whose husband had joined the navy, gave the following note to the preacher: “Mr. Tom Smith, having gone to sea, his wife requests that the congregation pray for his safety.”
The preacher, who was somewhat nearsighted, read aloud to his flock at the service the next Sunday, as follows: “Mr. Tom Smith, having gone to see his wife, requests that the congregation pray for his safety.”
Knew His Business
Sampson knew how to advertise. He took two columns and brought down the house.
It Rhymed, Anyway
Mr. Grouch: “Woman is nothing but a rag, a bone and a hank of hair.”
Mrs. Grouch: “Man is nothing but a brag, a groan and a tank of air.”
Sally: “It must be three years since I saw you. I hardly knew you – you have aged so.”
Sarah: “Well, I wouldn’t have known you, either, except for the dress.”
Wife: “Don’t you think a man has more sense after he’s married?”
Hub: “Yes, but it’s too late then.”
He Was Particular
Farmer, to druggist: “Now, be sure and write plain on them bottles which is for the Jersey Cow and which is for my wife. I don’t want nothin’ to ‘appen to that Jersey cow.”
A Fair Exchange
Sourdough – Does Mr. Bilks pay his debts?
Gumboil – Yes, he returns our snow shovel in spring and borrows our lawn mower.
High Cost of Living
Young Man – “How much do I pay for a marriage license?”
Hard boiled clerk – “Five dollars down and your entire salary each week of your life.”
The Gathering Place
Billy Sunday: “And if I had my way I’d throw all the liquor and whisky in this town into the river.”
Chorister: “The congregation will please rise and sing No. 79, ‘Shall We Gather at the River?’”
He Went On
“Will your dog bite?” asked the tramp.
“Yes,” snapped the woman, “and he doesn’t care what, either.”
Mama in Reverse
The old fashioned woman who darned her husband’s socks has a daughter who socks her darned husband.
A Safe Winner
The list of prize winners at a recent picnic read:
Mrs. Smith won the ladies’ rolling pin throwing contest by hurling a pin seventy-five feet.”
“Mr. Smith won the hundred yard dash.”
A man used to go to the golf club a great deal, coming home rather late. His wife became suspicious and went through his pockets one night, and found nothing but – a hole in one.
Diner – Waiter, I ordered an egg sandwich and you brought me a chicken sandwich.
Waiter – Yes, sir; I was a little late calling for your order.
Better to Worse
Self-pity is shameful. Even a flapjack has its ups and downs, and the waffle has depressions.
Teacher: “What is your idea of harmony?”
Smart Sophomore: “A freckled-faced girl in a polka dot dress and a leopard coat leading a giraffe.
On to His Job
Office Manager to New Office Boy: “Has the stenographer told you what to do in the afternoon?”
New Boy: “Yes, sir, I was to wake her up when I saw you coming.”
A Penny Saved is a Penny Burned
A father said, “Now, son, start saving the pennies and put them in this yellow box, and when you get five pennies give them to me and I’ll give you a nickel and you can put that in this blue box; then, when you get five nickels give them to me and I’ll give you a quarter and you can put it in this red box.”
Seventeen years later the boy discovered that the red box was the gas meter.
Dr. Nosemwell Says
Both men and women sprang from monkeys, but women sprang the farthest.
The Job for the Man
Collegiate: “Father, I’ve a notion to settle down and start raising chickens.”
Father: “Better try owls. Their hours will suit you better.”
Not Too Hasty
A certain gentleman recently lost his wife; and a young miss of six who came to the funeral, said to his daughter, “Your pa will marry again, won’t he?” “Oh, yes!” was the reply; “but not until after the funeral!”
Mrs. Jones: “My husband talked in his sleep last night.”
Secretary: “Well, what does that make me?”
Mrs. Jones: “His ex-secretary.”
Relied on Precedent
The late Senators Spooner of Wisconsin, and Allison of Iowa, were leaving the Capitol one evening when it commenced to rain heavily. “Do you think it will stop?” asked Spooner. “It always has,” answered Allison.