From the Juvenile Instructor — the original, not the blog, although those boys at JI can be pretty funny —
At His Trade.
Judge – What is your trade?
Prisoner (who was caught in a gambling-house raid) – I’m a locksmith.
Judge – What were you doing in there when the police entered?
Prisoner – I was making a bolt for the door.
A Wise Mother
During a certain battle the colonel of an Irish regiment noticed that one of the men was extremely devoted to him, and followed him everywhere. At length he remarked, “Well, my man, you have stuck by me well today.”
“Yes, sorr,” replied Pat. “Shure it was me mother said to me, says she, ‘Just you stick to the colonel, Patrick, me bhoy, and you’ll be all roight. Them colonels never gets hurted.’”
The Woman in Business
She handed in a check payable to Susan H. Smith. The cashier, who was a German, noticed that she had endorsed it Susan Smith, and gave it back with a polite “You haf forgotten the ‘H.’” Overcome with confusion, she murmered, “Excuse me,” and wrote below the endorsement, “Age 23.”
A Direct Question
“I say, Sububs, how long is it between the train we’re going to miss and the one we’ll have to wait for?”
All the Same to Him.
One of a party of men left his corner seat in an already crowded railway car, to go in search of something to eat, leaving a rug to reserve his place. On returning he found that, in spite of the rug and the protests of his fellow passengers the seat had been usurped by a woman clad in handsome clothes. With flashing eyes she turned upon him:
“Do you know, sir, that I am one of the directors’ wives?”
“Madam,” he replied, “were you the director’s only wife I should still protest.”
An Indian Print.
There’s a careless young girl of Calcutta,
Who plays with a goat in the gutta;
Though extremely low-caste,
She’ll be much lower cast,
If that goat should be ill-bred and butta.
Whipping Does No Good.
“I’ve come to think whippings do children no good,” said Mrs. Wiggins. “Why I whipped Jackie three times at the photographer’s, to try to get him to look pleasant, and he still looked as cross and disagreeable as ever.”
Follow the Leader – a Christmas Idyl
Thomas – “They don’t ’ave rain in ’eaven, does they?”
Thomasina – “Course they does, silly! That’s where it’s accomin’ from, ain’t it?”
Although Johnnie’s and Willie’s mothers are warm friends, those boys are always fighting each other.
After a recent battle the victorious Johnnie was urged by his mother to go and make friends with his fallen foe. She even offered to give him a party if he would go over and invite Willie to come to that festivity.
After much urging, Johnnie promised to do as his mother wished. so the party came off at the appointed time and was violently enjoyed by all present. But Willie did not come.
“Now Johnnie, you did invite him?” asked Johnnie’s mother.
“Yes, I did. Yes, ma’am, I invited him!” answered Johnnie. “I invited him,” he added reflectively, “and I dared him to come.”
A Quarrelsome Family
Mrs. Eggerton Blunt. – “But why did you leave your last place?”
Applicant – ‘I couldn’t stand the way the mistress and master used to quarrel, mum.”
Mrs. E.B., shocked. – “Dear me! did they quarrel very much, then?”
Applicant. – “Yes, mum; when it wasn’t me an’ ’im it was me an’ ’er.”
The Extreme Penalty
She: “What do you think of his execution?”
He: “I am in favor of it.”