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Funny Bones, 1914

By: Ardis E. Parshall - September 27, 2008

Nothing to Contribute

The train robber suddenly appeared as the passengers were retiring for the night.
“Come, shell out!” he demanded, as he stood towering above an Eastern clergyman, who had just finished prayer.

The minister looked at him sadly, then said: “If I had such energetic fellows as you to pass the plate now and then, I might have something to give you.

Bad Aim

Drug Clerk: “Did you kill any moths with those moth balls I gave you?”

Disconsolate Customer: “No. I tried for five hours, but I couldn’t hit a one.”

The Early Bird

“Did you come out well on Christmas Willie?” asked the Sunday School teacher.

“Yes’m. I got more than any of my brothers and sisters,” replied Willie jubilantly.

“Indeed? How did that happen?”

“I got up two hours before they did.”

A Hottentot Tot.

If a Hottentot taught a Hottentot tot
To talk ere the tot could totter,
Ought the Hottentot tot
To be taught to say “aught”
Or “naught,” or what ought to be taught her?
If to hoot and toot a Hottentot tot
Be taught by a Hottentot tooter,
Should the tooter get hot if the Hottentot tot
Hoot and toot at the Hottentot tutor?

Saved His Life.

“I kept my head when I fell into the water,” observed the young man.

“How fortunate,” replied the caustic maid; “it must have helped you so nicely to float.”

Father Happy.

“So Miss Biffers is married at last?”

“Yes.”

“And who is the happy man?”

“Her dear old dad.”

Time He Stopped.

Little Johnnie, who had been praying for some months for a baby brother, finally became discouraged. “I don’t believe God has any more little boys to send,” he told his mother, “and I’m going to stop it.”

Early one morning not long after this he was taken into his mother’s room to see twin boys, who had arrived in the night. Johnnie regarded them thoughtfully for some minutes. “Golly,” he remarked finally, “it’s a good thing I stopped praying when I did.”

Learned His Lesson

It was in a school that one of the boys would persist in saying and writing, “I have wrote.” To cure him of this he was set the task of writing one hundred times the words “I have written” after school hours.

The teacher went home and forgot the boy for a time. On hurrying back she found he had left this note on her desk:

“Dear Teacher: I have wrote I have written a hundred times and I have went home.”

Maybe

In a small country church, not long since, a little child was brought forward for baptism. The young minister, taking the little one in his arms, spoke as follows:

“Beloved hearers, no one can foretell the future of this little child. He may grow up to be a great astronomer, like Sir Isaac Newton, or a great labor leader like John Burns; and it is possible he might become the prime minister of England.”

Turning to the mother, he inquired, “What is the name of the child?”

“Mary Ann.”

Some Arithmetic

“If there were four flies on a table and I killed one, how many would be left?” inquired the teacher.

“One,” answered a bright little boy – “the dead one.”

A Sufficient Reason

A defendant, who was summoned for keeping a dog without a license, repeatedly tried to interrupt the evidence, but was silenced each time by the court. Finally the clerk turned to him. “Do you wish the court to understand that you refuse to renew your dog license?”

“Yes, but – ”

“We want no ‘but!’ You must renew your license or be fined. You know it expired on January first?”

“Yes, but so did the dog!”

Not His Bunch.

A Sunday School teacher was quizzing her class of boys on the strength of their desire for righteousness.

“All those who wish to go to heaven,” she said, “please stand.”

All got to their feet but one small boy.

“Why, Johnny,” exclaimed the shocked teacher, “do you mean to say that you don’t want to go to heaven?”

“No, ma’am,” replied Johnny promptly. “Not if that bunch is going.”

Of Course

James started his third helping of pudding with delight.

“Once upon a time, James,” admonished his mother, “there was a little boy who ate too much pudding, and he burst!”

James considered. “There ain’t such a thing as too much pudding,” he decided.

“There must be,” continued his mother, “else why did the little boy burst?”

James passed his plate for the fourth time, saying: “Not enough boy.”

Smarty

Father: “Now, what’s the old hen eating them tacks for?”

Harry (just home from college): “Perhaps she is going to lay a carpet.”

A Quiet Departure

Mrs. Smith was engaging a new servant, and sat facing the latest applicant. “I hope,” said she, “that you had no angry words with your last mistress before leaving.”

“Oh, dear, no mum; none whatever,” the prospective maid replied, with a toss of her head. “While she was having her bath, I just locked the bathroom door, took all my things, and went away as quietly as possible.”



7 Comments »

  1. We had to get some moth balls recently to place in the engine compartment of our cars to keep a psychotic squirrel out. Funny we didn’t think of actually lobbing them at the rodent.

    Comment by Researcher — September 27, 2008 @ 9:10 am

  2. Somebody needs to have a little talk with Johnnie. Why doesn’t Johnnie know when his mommy is pregnant?

    The Mary Ann one smarts a little.

    Comment by Jami — September 27, 2008 @ 9:27 am

  3. ‘Cause it’s 1914, and Johnnie’s mother hasn’t had the “Our Sacred Secret” talk with him yet.

    Comment by Ardis E. Parshall — September 27, 2008 @ 9:44 am

  4. I had a comment ready to type, then I read #3, about passed out laughing and completely forgot what I was going to say. I have to re-read the post now.

    Comment by Ray — September 27, 2008 @ 10:40 am

  5. From “The Early Bird” – A missing comma can mess with a reader’s mind. I was wondering who Christmas Willie was (a horse the person had ridden?) and how he played into the joke. Then I read the second line and realized it should have been “Christmas, Willie”. (Call it a brain freeze, but it was funny inside my own head.)

    “Maybe” cracked me up – then I cringed at the implications of the time.

    “Not His Bunch” – Nice reply! The other one you’ve heard, I’m sure. With all standing: “All who want to go to Heaven, sit down.” The one remaining standing replied to the standing teacher: “I don’t want you to be alone.”

    Comment by Ray — September 27, 2008 @ 11:13 am

  6. =D

    Comment by Tatiana — September 27, 2008 @ 3:03 pm

  7. Thank you for the Hottentot Tot. My father-in-law used to quote that poem all the time. None of the children ever learned it. Just last week, my husband and I were wishing that we had written it down while dad was still alive. I’m going to see that my sisters-in-law have a copy now.

    Comment by Maurine Ward — September 27, 2008 @ 5:28 pm

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