What the Little Bird Said
A little bird sat on a telegraph wire,
And said to his mates, “I declare
If wireless telegraphy comes into vogue,
We’ll all have to sit on the air!”
Couldn’t Fool Her.
First Society Lady – “That pretty baby we’ve just passed is mine.”
Second Society Lady – “How ever did you know?”
First Society Lady – “I recognized the nurse.”
Every husband ought to make his bride a regular allowance from the start. This is but just, because from the start every bride finds that she must constantly make allowances for her husband.
Owner – “How did ye come to puncture the tire?”
Chauffeur – “Ran over a milk bottle.”
Owner – “Didn’t you see it in time?”
Chauffeur – “No; the kid had it under his coat.”
Would Be Cool
“Do you think he would be cool in time of danger?”
“I think his feet would.”
Not the Same
A child of strict parents, whose greatest joy had hitherto been the weekly prayer-meeting, was taken by its nurse to the circus for the first time. When he came home he exclaimed:
“Oh, mamma, if you once went to the circus, you’d never, never go to prayer-meeting again in all your life.”
It is surprising how strong a man sometimes is when he thinks he is in the right. Sometimes five men are necessary to down him and take him to the insane asylum.
“Mr. Cleaver, how do you account for the fact that I found a piece of rubber tire in one of the sausages I bought here last week?”
“My dear madam, that only goes to show that the motor-car is replacing the horse everywhere.”
Ella – “Do I make myself plain?”
Stella – “Somebody has, if you haven’t.”
The Man at the Door – “Madame, I’m the piano tuner.”
The Woman – “I didn’t send for a piano tuner.”
The Man at the Door – “I know it, lady; the neighbors did.”
Ready for More
Missionary – “And do you know nothing whatever of religion?”
Cannibal – “Well, we got a taste of it when the last missionary was here.”
“Johnny,” said the minister, reprovingly, as he met an urchin carrying a string of fish one Sunday afternoon, “did you catch those today?” “Ye-yes sir,” answered Johnny. “That’s what they got for chasin’ worms on Sunday.”
The Lingering Kind
Young Lady – “Guard, will I have time to say good-bye to my friends?”
Guard – “Afraid not, miss. This train leaves in two hours and a half.”
“What are you cutting out of the paper?”
“About a California man securing a divorce because his wife went through his pockets.”
“What are you going to do with it?”
“Put it in my pocket.”
Only One Way
“Do you think it is possible to make an airship absolutely safe?”
“Sure,” replied the mechanician.
“Disable it before it gets a chance to leave the ground.”
Over the Counter
On a business trip to the city a farmer decided to take home to his wife a Christmas present of a shirtwaist. Going into a store and being directed to the waist department, he asked the lady clerk to show him some.
“What bust?” asked she.
The farmer looked around quickly and answered: “I don’t know; I didn’t hear anything.”
Sam – Will you keep our engagement secret for the present?
Lulu – All right; but where’s the present?
“If you had to choose between me and a million dollars, which would you take?”
“I’d take the million; after that you’d be easy.”
What’s in a Name?
Judge Alton D. Parker, Democratic candidate for President in 1904, is said to tell as a favorite story the tale of a young man in Savannah named Du Bose, who invited his sweetheart to take a buggy ride with him. The young woman had a very fetching lisp. When they reached a rather lonesome bit of road the young man announced: “This is where you have to pay toll. The toll is either a kiss or a squeeze.”
“Oh, Mr. du Both” exclaimed his companion.
Chairwoman of Suffragette meeting – “Does any lady wish to make a motion?”
Voice – “Yes, I do, but my gown’s too tight.”
A Handy Voice
Aspiring Vocalist: “Professor, do you think I will ever be able to do anything with my voice?”
Perspiring Teacher: “Well, it might come in handy in case of fire or shipwreck.”