Here is another trip to the inexhaustible well of dumb stuff that made our grandparents laugh. These jokes appeared in The Juvenile Instructor, 1926.
A Patient Transferee
An elderly lady, climbing on one of our local variety of street cars, handed the conductor a transfer. “This is two days old,” he growled.
“I’ve been waiting patiently,” she murmured.
Not in Heaven
The sick man had just come out of a long delirium.
“Where am I?” he said, feebly, as he felt the loving hands making him comfortable. “Where am I? In heaven?”
“No, dear,” cooed his devoted wife. “I am still with you.”
Used to It
A lady was entertaining the small son of a friend. “Are you sure you can cut your own meat, Tommie?” she inquired. “Oh, yes, thanks,” answered the child politely. “I’ve often had it as tough as this at home.”
“Remember,” said the serious friend, “your country is calling you.”
“I know that,” replied Senator Sorghum; “but different parts of the country are calling me different things.”
Tourist: “These people around here are the laziest I ever saw.”
Another: “Same way with the animals. Yesterday I saw a dog chasing a rabbit and both were walking.”
Mrs. Neighbors: “They tell me your son is in the college football eleven?”
Mrs. Malaprop: “Yes, indeed.”
Mrs. Neighbors: “Do you know what position he plays?”
Mrs. Malaprop: “Ain’t sure, but I think he’s one of the drawbacks.”
Presence of Mind
A few minutes after an alarm of fire was given in a hotel, one of the guests joined the group that were watching the fire, and chaffed them in their apparent excitement. “There was nothing to be excited about,” he said. “I took my time about dressing, didn’t like the knot in my necktie, so tied it over again – that’s how cool I was.”
“Fine,” one of his friends remarked, “but why didn’t you put on your trousers?”
First Pedestrian (to man who has just bumped into him): “Clumsy idiot!”
Second Ditto (with ready wit): “Glad to know you. Mine’s Brown.”
Words of Wisdom
The part of an auto that causes more accidents than any other is the nut that holds the steering wheel.
A pretty young thing from the city had been staying on a ranch up in the cattle country for a few weeks. Seeing some calves running across a pasture, she exclaimed, “Oh, what pretty cowlets.”
“Yes, miss,” drawled a ranchman, pulling his mustache to conceal a smile, “they are pretty, but they’s bullets.”
Something Fluey about This
A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
“Let us flee,” said the fly.
“Let us fly,” said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.