Keepapitchinin’s ongoing determination to bring you the (ahem) finest in the Mormon cultural heritage is responsible for these gems, culled from the humor pages of The Instructor, 1938.
Teacher: “Lot was warned to take his wife and daughter and flee out of the city. Lot and his wife and daughter got safely away.”
Willie: “What happened to the flea, sir?”
“What are you doing now?”
“I have found a new circus turn – the friendship of a lion and a goat.”
“But aren’t there quarrels between them?”
“Oh, yes, they have their little quarrels, but then we buy a new goat.”
A Short Stop
Boogy: “I’ll have you know I’m a self-made man.”
Woogy: “Yes, so I have assumed. But who interrupted you?”
Once upon a time, an enterprising poultryman crossed his hens with parrots to save time. He had formerly spent much time hunting the eggs, but now the hens walk up to him and say, “Hank, I just laid an egg. Go get it!”
He: “I’m thinking of asking some girl to marry me. What do you think of the idea?”
She: “It’s a great idea, if you ask me.”
Aunt Irma – Albert, aren’t you sometimes afraid you’ll lose control of the car?
Albert – Constantly, Aunt Irma. I’m three installments behind already.
Stop Watch, Huh?
“Did your watch stop when it hit the floor?”
“Sure, did you think it would go on through?”
There It Is
There was a new brakeman on that railroad in Wales which goes to that place called Llanfairfeshanpwllgyll-gagerogoch. When the train reached this station the brakeman – who himself had never mastered the pronunciation of the name – pointed to the sign and bellowed: “If there’s anybody here for there, this is it.”
The anxiously expectant father had been pacing the room nervously biting his nails, when the nurse appeared with the news that he had a baby daughter.
“Thank the Lord, it’s a girl,” said the father. “She’ll never have to endure what I have gone through.”
“Last night I dreamed I married the most beautiful woman in the world.”
“How lovely. Were we happy?”
Wragg: “So Chubbwitt’s stenographer has left him. What was the reason?”
Waffle: “She came into the office one day and caught him kissing his wife.”
You Tell Him, Olie
“Why is a pancake like the sun?”
“Dot’s easy,” answered the Swede. “It rises out of der yeast, and sets behind der vest.”
Lady in Restaurant: “Why don’t you shoo your flies?”
Chef: “Well, you see, it’s so hot today I thought I would just let them run around barefooted.”
A Bedroom Story
George: “When I was in England I saw a bed twenty feet long.”
Harvey: “That sounds like a lot of bunk to me.”
Smith: “Have you noticed how a woman lowers her voice whenever she asks for anything?”
Jones: “Oh, yes. But have you noticed how she raises it if she doesn’t get it?”
How to Do It
Boogy – I hear you made money out of the stock market.
Woogy – You bet. Been out of it all my life.
School superintendent: “Mrs. Jones, we punished your son because he was willful and unruly in the classroom.”
Mrs. Jones: “I won’t have it. He is a delicate child and not used to harsh means. At home we never hit him except in self-defense.”
He Wondered Where
A farmer ran in to tell a neighbor that his wife had suddenly gone insane. “I don’t know where she could have caught that insanity germ,” he added. “She ain’t been outside our kitchen for 25 years.”
Comrade Harry Moses writes us about a boy who could not pronounce the letter “r” correctly. His teacher, trying to improve the lad’s speech, asked him to repeat:
“Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.”
After a moment’s thought, the boy said: “Bobby gave Dick a poke in the side for not cooking the bunny enough.”
The Way of Justice
Motorist: “I had the right of way when this man ran into me, yet you say I was to blame.”
Cop: “You certainly were.”
Cop: “Because his father’s the mayor, his brother’s the chief of police, and I’m engaged to his sister.”
He Got His Answer
Bessie – No, Mr. Smartboy, I’m not ready to marry.
Billy – Will you let me know when you are?
Bessie – Yes, I’ll send you a wedding announcement.
“There Sure Would!”
Woman Passenger: “Does this street car stop at the river?”
Conductor: “There’d be a terrible splash if it didn’t!”