8/2/2007

Morning of the Living Danites; or, Why I Am Not at FAIR Today
by Ardis Parshall

You know me, right? — Ardis Parshall, the crusading anti-Mormon, the rabble rouser, the one who never has a kind word for anything Mormon, she-who-must-disrupt? Most likely to need the blood atoning of the Danites? Right?

If that doesn’t sound like me, consider this: I was thrown out of the FAIR conference this morning for being a disruptive influence.

Well, not exactly thrown out. Rather, made to realize in no uncertain terms, in the form of a delegation of three members of the FAIR committee, that my antics could not possibly be tolerated.

My crime?

Every other year of my attendance (check your records, boys, I’m a regular registrant), the room has been set up with narrow tables in front of the audience chairs. Dozens of people bring their laptops (FAIR even provides wireless Internet access) and take notes or do other work while listening to the speakers. I was counting on doing the same this year — I’m really only ever interested in two or three of the speakers anyway, and because of a crush of work I expected to work quietly during presentations of lesser interest. It wouldn’t have bothered anybody — no one could have told whether I was taking copious notes of, say, John Gee’s talk, or outlining a lecture for next week’s workshop.

Only today there were no tables.

The friend whom I had accompanied — one of the sweetest women you could ever meet, wife of a senior Mormon scholar and frequent past presenter at FAIR — suggested that we remove four chairs from the end of a row and put up one of the narrow tables. So we did, being very careful not to extend into the aisle, and not in any way to infringe on fire exits. We did it quickly, and quietly, and 45 minutes before the conference was scheduled to begin, without having interfered with any speaker or blocked anyone’s line of sight while we did so. We were quickly joined by three men who also needed the help of a table, and were eyed enviously by a number of others who weren’t as bold as my friend.

But that little streak of independence could not, of course, be permitted in a conference which is so unlike every other Mormon studies conference I have ever attended. No, after a great deal of nervous fluttering by a woman member of the committee, who just couldn’t see her way clear to permitting such an act of defiance — not that anyone else was following our lead by putting up a single other table, and not that there weren’t many, many, many dozens of empty seats in the room when it came time to open the conference — she kept up her fluttering in our vicinity, and then fluttered by one member of the conference committee after another, until two big burly guys followed her to our corner and told us to go elsewhere.

Okay, so the four of us at that table were occupying space meant for eight. Maybe the petty, tyrannically despotic martinet in all of us can cheer for straitjacket enforcement of arbitrary rules.

And maybe I just cherish the novelty of me — little ol’ orthodox me — being thrown out of a conservative Mormon conference for being a disruptive influence.

And they kept my $59.95.

Permanent Link : Comments (36)
36 Comments
As a big-ender myself, I think you little-enders got what was coming to you.

Comment by Adam Greenwood — 8/2/2007 @ 12:26 pm | Edit This

I am impressed with your courageous act of civil disobedience–rearranging the chairs! We now have our FAIR Rosa Parks.

Comment by CS Eric — 8/2/2007 @ 12:34 pm | Edit This

(…waiting for DKL to post on this thread…)

Comment by greenfrog — 8/2/2007 @ 12:34 pm | Edit This

That’s funny, Ardis, but don’t try to mislead us proclaiming your orthodoxy. You’re obviously a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and the fine folks at FAIR just used their powers of discernment to see through your facade.

You should have refused to leave and forced them to carry you out. Then you could have gone limp and sung “We Shall Overcome”.

Comment by Mark IV — 8/2/2007 @ 12:42 pm | Edit This

Did that fluttering committee member look anything like Dolores Umbridge? That is the picture I had pop immediately to mind is all…

Comment by Geoff J — 8/2/2007 @ 1:08 pm | Edit This

All I can do is shake my head, Ardis – and laugh at the picture of you singing “We Shall Overcome” as you are carried from the room.

You now are both my orthodox AND radical lighthouse – my city set on oppostie hills – my hero.

Comment by Ray — 8/2/2007 @ 1:11 pm | Edit This

Greenfrog beat me to it, but you could replace FAIR with T&S and Ardis with DKL and I just read this post on Tuesday!

Comment by cantinflas — 8/2/2007 @ 1:13 pm | Edit This

heh, heh, heh, Geoff J — my Lady of the Smelling Salts was considerably better dressed than Dolores and left most of the umbrage to me, but yeah, that was the general effect.

Comment by Ardis Parshall — 8/2/2007 @ 1:13 pm | Edit This

Nobody likes mindless busy-bodies, least of all me. Maybe I’m slow today, but I don’t understand — did they kick you out for setting up the tables or did they give you an opportunity to go back to the chairs? Something appears to be missing.

Comment by Geoff B — 8/2/2007 @ 1:15 pm | Edit This

Careful, Ray, you’re setting yourself up for tremendous disappointment when we finally meet! Orthoradically yours, The Disrupter

Comment by Ardis Parshall — 8/2/2007 @ 1:20 pm | Edit This

Oh, play along with me, Geoff B. The point is, we in no way interfered with anything or anybody, other than that we were quietly and unobtrusively different. That, they insisted in a loud and attention-drawing way, could not be tolerated, and we had to go.

Comment by Ardis Parshall — 8/2/2007 @ 1:34 pm | Edit This

Well, they obviously didn’t know who they were dealing with. Bloggers have friends. And blog posts last forever.

Comment by Dave — 8/2/2007 @ 1:39 pm | Edit This

Ardis and tables and chairs . . . Oh My!

Comment by Guy Murray — 8/2/2007 @ 1:40 pm | Edit This

See where unilateralism gets you? Just ask Bush. Now, I hope you’ve learned your lesson and will consult with your peers the next time you wish to show your contempt for the rule of law.

Actually, a similar thing happened to me at the UN. I’m unimportant enough to have to fight over the back row of unreserved seats and when I lost one time, I grabbed a chair from another room..and then sheepishly took it back out after the glaring started. Sometimes you’ve just gotta choose your battles.

Comment by Peter LLC — 8/2/2007 @ 1:41 pm | Edit This

Ardis, how does it feel, knowing that FAIR is forced to employ bouncers just because of people like you?

Now you’re probably going to apostacize, go to California and go to hell.

Comment by Mark IV — 8/2/2007 @ 1:42 pm | Edit This

Maybe you should have worn that T-shirt that said “Brigham did it, just ask Will.”

Comment by Matt W. — 8/2/2007 @ 1:44 pm | Edit This

Maybe you shouldn’t have worn that T-shirt that said “Brigham did it, just ask Will.”

Comment by Matt W. — 8/2/2007 @ 1:44 pm | Edit This

Ardis,

Surely you received the unwritten memo that the unwritten rules for FAIR had changed.

Had you been permitted to keep your table there, it is likely that some of the male attenders might have been tempted to wear non-white shirts to church on Sunday, women might have been asked to give opening prayers in Sacrament meetings, and there might have been an occasional Sacrament meeting devoted to hymns accompanied by classical guitar.

My hat is off to the far-sighted pre-emptive thoughtfulness of our friends at FAIR.

Comment by DavidH — 8/2/2007 @ 1:44 pm | Edit This

In other news: Ardis starts her own apologia group, “unFAIR.”

Comment by Steve Evans — 8/2/2007 @ 1:51 pm | Edit This

How about the

Foundation of
Apologetic
Research and
Tables

Comment by Matt W. — 8/2/2007 @ 2:00 pm | Edit This

Seriously, they ought to be thrilled to have folks showing up to liveblog the conference, not chase them away. They may not be Danites, but they’re at least acting like Luddites.

Comment by Dave — 8/2/2007 @ 2:24 pm | Edit This

Further confessions of a fast deteriorating situation:

After lunch this afternoon, I walked out the in door. It was a cafeteria, though, and not a Delhi, so maybe I haven’t really Sindh.

Comment by Ardis Parshall — 8/2/2007 @ 2:50 pm | Edit This

Nice Matt. Maybe they could go with the

Association of
Not letting
Ardis
Laptop it up at our conferences

Comment by Geoff J — 8/2/2007 @ 2:53 pm | Edit This

This gross abuse of authority demonstrates EXACTLY why women can’t be trusted to hold the priesthood. At least we men reserve our heavy-handedness for weighty doctrinal disagreements.

Anecdotally, I know a sweet little old Relief Society instructor who was tossed out of class for setting up in unintentionally-sexually-suggestive centerpiece before her lesson.

Comment by Non-Winter Meat Eater — 8/2/2007 @ 2:57 pm | Edit This

Sorry for the double-post folks (does this apology only make it worse?)

Comment by Non-Winter Meat Eater — 8/2/2007 @ 2:59 pm | Edit This

Ardis, you are a humor savant. Let me acknowledge my unworthiness before you.
As for your encounter, I hope you at least got in a serious eye roll or three. And, you definitely deserve a refund, a free lunch, and a stamped condolence card to send to that poor woman who obviously is suffering from severe challenges that we can only imagine.

Comment by Lupita — 8/2/2007 @ 3:04 pm | Edit This

How unfortunate that Ardis has chosen to characterize the events as she did. I would like to provide clarification on this matter.

FAIR volunteers were informed that a table had been removed from an area of the conference center controlled by South Town Expo and set up in an area designated for chairs. The format of the seating is agreed in advance with the Expo so as to be in compliance with fire codes, support attendance expectations, and accommodated those needing tables for computer usage. She was approached by volunteers and told we would be happy to move the table to the area in the back of the room designated for laptop users. She was similarly given the option of using her laptop from one of the chairs in the front. She stated that she would only move if forced to do so. Our staff requested that she comport herself as we expect all of our guests, and she chose to leave. If she requests, her money will be refunded.

FAIR does not discriminate in any way between supporters or critics, and all who are polite and civil are invited to attend our conferences. Accredited members of the press are invited to attend free of charge. Ardis’ abuse of our staff and insistence on preferential treatment is not condoned by FAIR and, like any other individual who behaves in such a manner, we will insist that she comply with staff instructions and avoid disrupting proceedings in order to attend.

John Lynch
FAIR Chairman

Comment by John Lynch — 8/2/2007 @ 3:10 pm | Edit This

Well, gosh, the tone just got a lot less whimsical. Too frosty by half, hoss.

Comment by Adam Greenwood — 8/2/2007 @ 3:12 pm | Edit This

I guess they haven’t seen ‘ Men In Black ‘, where Will Smith moves the table and wins the job for think outside of the Box.

Comment by Bob — 8/2/2007 @ 3:15 pm | Edit This

Re 27: Now THAT’S an Apology.

Comment by Non-Winter Meat Eater — 8/2/2007 @ 3:17 pm | Edit This

Re 30: No, it’s an apologetic. or is it an apoligia?

Comment by Matt W. — 8/2/2007 @ 3:20 pm | Edit This

Ardis – I almost feel sorry for you being thrown out.

Matt W & Geoff J – No more! Please! ( I don’t want to explain to my bosses while I’m cracking up at my computer screen!) And Geoff, I appreciate the Umbridge sentiment. I thought the same thing, too.

Comment by Jacob — 8/2/2007 @ 3:21 pm | Edit This

I was writing my last comment before the guy from FAIR wrote his. Ardis – stop abusing people!

Comment by Jacob — 8/2/2007 @ 3:26 pm | Edit This

#27
Sorry, I know I shouldn’t be laughing. This is so not funny.
Ardis is now a staff abuser? Impolite and uncivil? Insists on preferential treatment? I don’t buy it. Seems like you guys kinda shot yourselves in the foot here.
How ’bout that free lunch?

Comment by Lupita — 8/2/2007 @ 3:28 pm | Edit This

I plan on using #27 in a future post entitled, “How to Handle the Press.” I also plan on using this newly-obtained footage of the event at FAIR.

Comment by Steve Evans — 8/2/2007 @ 3:28 pm | Edit This

John Lynch, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and believe that you are misinformed rather than willfully untruthful.

Where my account of this morning’s adventure was a playful caricature, recognized as such by all commenters (with one possible exception), your poisonous version takes my breath away.

Friends, the thread must now close, for obvious reasons. John Lynch, should you or one of your associates wish to have the last word, you may write to me at AEParshall at AOL dotcom and I will post your unedited response.

[UPDATE: I wrote to John Lynch using the address he left when he posted his comment; the address is evidently a false one, and my note repeating the invitation to have the last word bounced. It is possible that comment #27 is a hoax.]

Comment by Ardis Parshall — 8/2/2007 @ 3:36 pm | Edit This

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[Published at Times and Seasons, 2 August 2007]